Monday, July 19, 2004

A reply URGENTLY requested!

On any given day, I can reduce my debt and butt, increase the size of my boobs and penis (if only I had one) become a millionaire over night, making all my dreams come true.... win $10,000 and make a fortune on ebay,  get my degree online while watching Candy and her barnyard fun ...join the literary guild and watch Sasha's live web cam, win a new car, and expand my brain...did I mention expand my 'love tool'...and increase my stamina while reducing my cholesterol, get a life insurance policy while healing my dry cracked feet and then eat pizza and lose weight and go chat with BROCK and invision a business in a box which I'm guessing may or may not include the youth serum to take years off my face.... Some day maybe I'll take a chance…
 
Just this morning, I received an e-mail that promised I could “KEEP HIM IN BED TODAY – GUARANTEED!”
 
It sounded like just what I was looking for, so I clicked on the link.
 
Talk about false advertising…There wasn’t one single solitary thing on that web site that told me how to get my smallish boy to sleep in his bed all night.
 
Moving on to the next e-mail, they promised they could help me grow my favorite appendage by three full inches, but who needs a 4-inch long big toe?  I mean, a little extra toe length might improve my already admirably freakish ability to pick up smallish boys toys/clothes as I walk through the house, but then I’d have to move somewhere warm since it would restrict me to year-round sandal wearing.
 
The next e-mail was even more intriguing.  If I followed their link, they said I could find out how to get my pocket taxidermy kit for only $39.99.
 
Are you in need of a gift for the gal who has everything?  I can pretty much guarantee she won’t already have one of those…It’s just the thing for the road traveler who has spoken wistfully a time too many about the barely dinged possum she once left behind on Route 21.
 
If the cost of that pocket taxidermy kit would take too big a bite from your gift buying budget, you might want to check into the e-mail offer I received from the New Canoe University!  They can get you the “easiest $20K you’ll ever make.”  All you have to do is “donate your body to science, and profit while you’re still alive.”
 
One program on their site is titled “Bleeding for Bucks.”  I kid you not…Now there’s a disturbing thought.  A few weeks after signing on the dotted line and collecting your change, you find some white-coated guy standing in your door with a scalpel in one hand and a Coleman cooler in the other: 
           
“I just need a little slice of your liver,” he may start out….”But don’t you worry yer purty little head.  Them thar are self-regenerating organs. Say…would you like a shiny new quarter?” 
Whadoyaknow…the gift that keeps on giving.
 
I guess a person would have to be more than a tad desperate to sign up with that outfit, but I bet there are plenty takers.  Some of these e-mailers are seriously desperate folks.
 
Take this girl named Sabrina..she just moved to town and wants to date me.  No, really..she said so in all caps in the subject line of her email. And guess what!  She has a webcam…. And its NEW!  I suppose I should be flattered by Sabrina’s friendliness and all, but I need to find a way to break it to her to gently that while, yes I need to get out of this marriage….I’m pretty sure one of us would end up disappointed.
 
My next email promised a great way to drop a few pounds.  They said I could lose up to 19 percent of my total body weight and 20 to 35 percent of my abdominal fat.  Hot damn!  Just what I’d been looking for….It sounded too good to be true…so I followed the link…
Strangest damn thing, it took me right back to the site that was offering to purchase my parts.
 
I was beginning to give up hope…Thank heaven’s I ran across that e-mail from Taofeek Savimbi of Nigeria.  Poor guy…his rich father was killed and now he’s URGENTLY IN NEED OF ASSISTANCE to conduct a ‘transaction of great magnitude” that requires nothing more than my bank account information….
 
What a sweetie Taofeek is..he’s promising to reward me generously for my kind assistance, but just knowing I’ve helped him should be reward enough…
 
But hey, if he wants to throw in a pocket taxidermy kit and lengthen my big toe ..this may just be my lucky day.

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